The art of growing up.

From the toddling steps to being 21...the journey has not really been what I expected. But then, it wasn`t supposed to be perfect either. Anyway, life isn`t the Princess Diaries and I never really had Matilda`s powers to straighten out things. We all lose...we lose a lot. All of us. But I was never good at losing people...I`m not now either. By the way, by losing people I mean dad here. Yes I have lost him and it still hurts terribly even though it has been two years. But I convince myself that he is still around...somewhere. Obviously that dosen`t work. But that is what we grown ups do...we convince ourselves to compromise. Even if there is nothing to hold on to, we pretend there is something and oh! we are wonderfully good at it ! I find it very amusing. The way we fool ourselves. Consciously. Knowing that we are fooling ourselves. And often we are so proud!
We are so proud of how craftily we are able to do that.
Then we boast around saying, "You know, life never stops. It moves on.
The past dosen`t bother me. Infact I don`t even remember it!"
What lies.
Sir Walter Scott said "Oh what tangled webs we weave...when we first practice to deceive."
We live in the mesh of our own lies. The ones that we have designed so carefully. We go above the self-contradiction it involves, we shut our eyes, we turn deaf to our own feelings.
We know, we know it like a fact how we are still perturbed...how the losses still affect us.
But then again, we also know that brooding is not a solution. We realize that indeed, moving on is the right thing to do. Sometimes, you have to fight to move on. But what about when you can`t fight?
When we can`t fight, we hide.
Our hideout?
The self-made deception to our own-self.
We put on a brave face, do the usual work, live the usual life.
We try to focus on only the happy memories. But what about the absolute absence?
The fact still remains, that the person we have lost, is never going to come back again.
The same person, whom we saw everyday...moving, talking, breathing, isn`t there all of a sudden.
What about that weird, sudden emptiness?....
How long does it take to get habituated with that ?
I don`t know. Probably no one knows.
Everyday, I am conscious about my dad`s absence. Everyday it hurts with the same intensity, as it did on that day. Everyday when I come back home, I gather all the hope I have in me...and wish to see him once again.
And everyday...my hopes are shattered. It is like an unreasonable child within me, who will not accept anything but what she thinks.
But I`m 21. So there are two voices within me. One tells me to act like a 21 year old...and the other, it tells me "whats the harm in being a bit unreasonable, if it gives you peace, even for a moment?"
So here I am. Trapped. I live everyday with the reality that he is not there anymore.
I also pretend he is there somewhere.
With each passing day, I go deeper down the mesh.
Will I ever be able to get out of it and accept reality completely?
I don`t know...
Do I want to?
No. Not even for once.
This is exactly what amuses me about being a grown up.
How beautifully we balance our realization of reality and the deception we drag ourselves into.
"The grown-ups are very strange."

Letting you know that...

I never got bored, looking at you. You would often ask "What do you seek in me? Why do you always look at me like that?" I never knew what to say. Saying "Its because I love you" would sound so...ordinary. And for me, you were always beyond ordinary...and so you are, still now. Back then, I was never able to figure out what was that thing, exactly, that made you so different from the rest. So many years have passed, and now I know. I know now, that it was a connection, undefined, that tied us together. Some mysterious bond that I didn`t have with anyone else. Its usually termed as love...but I think it was something much more deeper than that. I definitely don`t mean to say, that I didn`t love you. I did. Infact I still do. Yes, I know it sounds cliche and melodramatic, but yes, I do. Not that I spend my days drowned in tragedy, and lament that you are no longer with me, and I am not even sure how I`ll react if you ever decide to come back. But, that feeling is still there. Anyway, coming back to relevance. That bond, was completeness. We would complete each other. And it was this profound feeling of being complete, that made me keep looking at you.
I miss you.
I still remember the day we sat together in the coffee shop while it rained outside, incessantly. Everyone was getting so impatient!
We wished the rain would never stop.
Its raining today. I am by my window with that blue album. We kept our pictures here, remember?
You had come up and said "I can`t keep this anymore". 
Watching you walk away, was difficult. There was this feeling of something being detached from me...
Years have passed, you must be somewhere out there, smiling, content.
I have moved on too, but I still feel like hanging on to the album...still gathering the scattered memories.

Unbreakable.

I am immortal. I will come back every time you kill me.
I am tireless. I will rise every time you push me down.
I will not shatter, no matter how much you force me.
I might lose almost all the time, when you fight me,
but I will not back out.
I will stand up and fight again.
You can chain me, imprison me, torture me.
I will still not bow down. I shall still be undefeated.
......
Through ages, you have kept me hungry. To weaken me.
You have neglected me. To make me vulnerable.
You took away my childhood, my youth, my life...
To nurture your bloated ego and power.
You all have used me, to climb.
Then left me below.
Someday, maybe after some more ages...
I shall come back.
Maybe, I will remain powerless, breakable...
But this time I won`t be alone. I shall have my own army.
A war awaits.
A challenge lies patiently.
My shadow lurks.
How many can you kill this time?

Me

My eyes, few lashes that escaped,
when morning greeted...

Do you still remember them?
My uneven disheveled hair...
Do you still find it beautiful?
By blank gaze for sometime,
wondering...
Would you still observe me?....
 ......
I don`t try to look pretty anymore.
I don`t think about what you would have said,
to the tinkle of my bangles...
I don`t remember you when the wild wind,
plays with my hair.
I don`t see you when the evening light,
illuminates the familiar memories.
Do you know why?...
I have found someone worth it.
A friend. A companion.
I have found me.