The Art of Coexisting

What is it that we yearn for, miss the most, when someone very close to us passes? 

I think it would be a bit of a lie to think or say that we communicated with him/her everyday. Because we don't and that is perfectly normal. So it is not really the conversations or the chats we miss. We are busy, grinding in the fight for survival and then ultimately very tired. It is not unusual that most days we have ended the day without conversing with our parents/spouse/lover/friends. I am not writing this along the lines of conscience pricking. But what is it that we really miss? When the person does not exist anymore. Why is it so painful and crippling? Why does it sometimes tear us apart from within? Especially if it is before time.  

It is because we miss the tangible. We miss the ability  to communicate, the idea that we can talk to them whenever we want. It is because we miss the tangible. We are no  longer able to do that. And, it is painful because we know we do not stand a chance anymore. They are not going to be there tomorrow, or the day after or the day next. It is this complete sense of realizing and internalizing the void that makes it so painful. We know, that this is it. We do not get to see them, hear their voice, touch them, talk or embrace. Maybe most days we would not do it anyway but we knew that the next day we could. Or maybe the next day or the day after. There was always the next day. It was in our control. 

Bu now that is gone and we no longer have that control. One fine day that person who was walking around in flesh and blood suddenly disappears and we know that he/she is not coming back. So we no longer have the control over our communications. We can no longer say to ourselves, okay we will chat over the weekend. 

That is precisely what the absence of the sense of control does. We believe we can manipulate the routine of things because it is in our control and then one day it is not anymore. All those pieces on five stages of grief bear witness to what I am writing. But this sense of control is some achievement-hungry idea. This is the control we like to have over the existence of the people we love and refuse to let go. We are in constant denial. there is no easy way out and I think the void stays. No matter how much consolation or rationalization we resort to, it stays until we learn to coexist. 

The often remembered lanes

So it's time to go peep in our treasure chest once again. We love to live in memories. For me, I wish I could see my friends everyday, give them a huge hug, tell them how much I love them, how deeply I miss them and how beautiful they have made my life. I remember the first giggles and sniffles I shared with them.

Today's Memory: First Friends

They are your secret keepers. Your partners in crime and your comrades in figuring out concoctions to have super powers. They are your truest soul mates and the chivalrous protector from bullies.

Our first friends teach us what it is like to promise, to stand up for each other and to be there no matter what. No questions asked. And in return we learn to give. We learn to connect, to feel and to love. Now when we have grown up to be conveniently adult, maybe it is this innate learning of human connect that keeps us going. And even in times of utmost despair, "I still get by with a little help from my friends" .

All my love to all my friends who are and have always been there for me.

P.S. This actually started last week so...

And like every other kid, I too have my very own treasure chest. It is beautiful, surprising and equally carelessly cute when it comes to childhood memories. There is a point of time when we just want to regress a bit and go back. Back to simpler times and inhibition free days. When nobody would judge us for things said and done, where lifelong promises were over pinkie fingers bonding and when ice creams could soothe all the hurt in our little carefully knitted world. Probably we never want to grow up. And get hurt. So I start this today. One post on childhood memories every week.

Today's memory: Lunchbox.

I still recall the excitement when we would eagerly wait for that recess bell to ring. It was like a salvation from all the torture we had to face during lectures! And then. Then it would be the sweet sound of lunchboxes opening. Like synchronized rhythm one after another. Little clusters of ponytails and spiked hair would immediately form as we slowly start discovering the mystries our mums had packed. That's how I think all friendships started. That's how we first learned to share, to give, without expecting. And hence to bond. I so wish all that still remained as easy as that.

So I invite you all to share those little memories with Lunchboxes and recess bells. Lets all get a piece of our childhood back. One step at a time.

দিয়া,                                                 

আজ তোর জন্মদিন। 

এইরকমই একটা মন ভালো করা দিনে মায়ের কাছে এসেছিলি। তারপর সবার মাঝখানে হাসি আর আদরের ফোয়ারা নিয়ে আস্তে আস্তে বড় হচ্ছিস। আজকে তোর জন্মদিনে মা কে দেখে মনে হচ্ছে পৃথিবীর সব আনন্দ টুকু, সবটুকু যেন মায়ের হাতের মুঠোয় ভরা আছে। 

খুব সাবধানে যত্নে মা তুলে রাখবে দিদার পুরোনো সেগুন কাঠের সিন্দুক টায়।দিদার সিন্দুক টাও দিদার মতো। কত বছর ধরে কত নতুন অতিথির আগমন দেখে আর তাদের প্রত্যেক টা মুহূর্ত সাজিয়ে রেখে দেয়। তোরা বড় হয়ে দেখবি বলে। তুই যখন ছুটে দিদার কাছে আবদার করিস, দিদার মনে হয় তোর মুখের দিকে তাকালে নকশী কাঁথার মত আজো স্বপ্ন বুনে ফেলা যায়। সেই সহজে বুনে ফেলা স্বপ্নের মধ্যে দিয়ে তুই একটু একটু করে বড় হচ্ছিস। 

তুই হাসলে বাবা ভাবে ছাদের উত্তরের কোনটায় যেন রোদ্দুর খেলে বেড়াচ্ছে। বাবার সব ক্লান্তি দূর করে দেয়। আর বাবা ভাবে, দিয়া যেন কোনোদিন বড়ো না হয়। 

তুই যখন কাঁদিস, দাদু মনে মনে ভাবে, পুরো পৃথিবীর সাথে লড়াই করবে। তোর চোখের দুফোটা জল ও যে দাদুর কাছে বড্ডো দামি। 

ঠিক এইভাবেই মা বাবা দাদু দিদার মাঝখানে বেড়ে উটছিস তুই। 

তোর এক ঝাঁক সোনালী চুল যখন সকালবেলায় বড্ডো অবাধ্য, তখন সূর্যের আলোয় তোর চোখ দুটো যেন গোটা আকাশ তা ভরে নেয়। তোর খুব সহজে গালভরা হাসি সারাদিনের রসদ যোগায়। তুই এইভাবেই বড় হয়ে ওঠ। 

মেঘের আড়াল থেকে এক ফালি চাঁদ তোর বেড়ে ওঠার সাক্ষী থাকুক। তখন এই চিঠিটায় আমার কথা মনে করিস।।

ফিরে দেখা

অলস দুপুরটা যখন পিছুটানবে,

যখন মন কেমনের ভিড়ে

প্রতিদিনের একঘেয়েমি 

মনে করিয়ে দেবে 

এখনও অনেক দুর দৌড় বাকি,

তখন সেই সব পলাশরাঙা দিনে

ছোট্ট দ্বিধাহীন আবদার আর খেয়ালের বায়নায়

তুমি থেকো।

আমার মন খারাপের সাথে,

আমার অবাধ্য কিছু ভাবনা 

আর ভালো থাকতে চাওয়ার মাঝে।