The art of growing up.

From the toddling steps to being 21...the journey has not really been what I expected. But then, it wasn`t supposed to be perfect either. Anyway, life isn`t the Princess Diaries and I never really had Matilda`s powers to straighten out things. We all lose...we lose a lot. All of us. But I was never good at losing people...I`m not now either. By the way, by losing people I mean dad here. Yes I have lost him and it still hurts terribly even though it has been two years. But I convince myself that he is still around...somewhere. Obviously that dosen`t work. But that is what we grown ups do...we convince ourselves to compromise. Even if there is nothing to hold on to, we pretend there is something and oh! we are wonderfully good at it ! I find it very amusing. The way we fool ourselves. Consciously. Knowing that we are fooling ourselves. And often we are so proud!
We are so proud of how craftily we are able to do that.
Then we boast around saying, "You know, life never stops. It moves on.
The past dosen`t bother me. Infact I don`t even remember it!"
What lies.
Sir Walter Scott said "Oh what tangled webs we weave...when we first practice to deceive."
We live in the mesh of our own lies. The ones that we have designed so carefully. We go above the self-contradiction it involves, we shut our eyes, we turn deaf to our own feelings.
We know, we know it like a fact how we are still perturbed...how the losses still affect us.
But then again, we also know that brooding is not a solution. We realize that indeed, moving on is the right thing to do. Sometimes, you have to fight to move on. But what about when you can`t fight?
When we can`t fight, we hide.
Our hideout?
The self-made deception to our own-self.
We put on a brave face, do the usual work, live the usual life.
We try to focus on only the happy memories. But what about the absolute absence?
The fact still remains, that the person we have lost, is never going to come back again.
The same person, whom we saw everyday...moving, talking, breathing, isn`t there all of a sudden.
What about that weird, sudden emptiness?....
How long does it take to get habituated with that ?
I don`t know. Probably no one knows.
Everyday, I am conscious about my dad`s absence. Everyday it hurts with the same intensity, as it did on that day. Everyday when I come back home, I gather all the hope I have in me...and wish to see him once again.
And everyday...my hopes are shattered. It is like an unreasonable child within me, who will not accept anything but what she thinks.
But I`m 21. So there are two voices within me. One tells me to act like a 21 year old...and the other, it tells me "whats the harm in being a bit unreasonable, if it gives you peace, even for a moment?"
So here I am. Trapped. I live everyday with the reality that he is not there anymore.
I also pretend he is there somewhere.
With each passing day, I go deeper down the mesh.
Will I ever be able to get out of it and accept reality completely?
I don`t know...
Do I want to?
No. Not even for once.
This is exactly what amuses me about being a grown up.
How beautifully we balance our realization of reality and the deception we drag ourselves into.
"The grown-ups are very strange."